I am genuinely grateful for all of the inquiries from people about how I am doing now. If I could, I would send everyone a handwritten thank you note with a little Dolce & Gabbana "Light Blue" perfume (my signature scent) sprinkled on it. Actually, I still owe about 50 people thank you notes from gifts I've received since Hannah's birth, but as you can imagine I'm a little behind on my correspondence.
By the grace of God, I feel like I am making great progress in plowing through this postpartum problem of mine. Granted, I have my moments. Sometimes it seems like I have just a regular case of the "baby blues" (Emily and I have determined we hate that phrase...it is almost condescending and makes postpartum depression sound cutesy or something...I digress). Is it odd that I am happy to just have a case of baby blues every now and then? I suppose when you go through a spell of not having feelings, you're grateful just to have any - even occasionally bad ones.
I am a new mother again. I am worried about my baby, but not incessantly like before the medicine kicked in. I clumsily fumble through parenting, and I love it. It feels natural. Instinctive. Jason went out of town for work and was gone a few nights this week, and rather than stay at my parents' house so I could continue to be blessed by their help I decided to stay home and dive headfirst into motherhood, even though I was pretty much scared crazy. It pleases me to report that I did really well! For the first time since early April, I took on the full night shift with Hannah. And then I took on the day shift several times over. It has never felt so good to be so sleepy.
I am still frightened sometimes that I am going to relapse back into the terrible place I was, but I know I need to continue to push through. I've been tapering off the medicine, and I am thrilled to report that I haven't taken a sleeping pill in well over a week and the last time I swallowed any "band-aid" anti-anxiety pills was three days ago. It's true that if I force myself to do normal things, I lose myself in those actions and refrain from focusing on any anxiety I have.
It has been great to have visitors and to get out and do things. I've spent lots of time with friends and family and had some really therapeutic conversations. My friend Heather, who is an incredible photographer, came over and took some gorgeous photos of Hannah (and Hannah actually cooperated this time!). Today my parents and I went to Sweetie Pie's (my first visit) for lunch and then to the zoo. Tomorrow I am going to a postpartum group meeting with Emily to network with other new moms. It has been wonderful to drive my car hours to Cari's baby shower (some of the trip by myself), change my baby's diapers, feed my dog, have a glass of wine with Jason, do laundry...regular stuff. It's easy to take the simple tasks for granted, but this experience has put that into perspective for me.
I want to write songs and sing again.
I want to clean up dishes.
I want my husband to laugh when I say something absurd.
I want to watch chick flicks and cry pointlessly.
I want to stare at Hannah's face and see God.
I want my feelings to get hurt and then I want to get over it.
I want to smell the smelly smell of my smelly dog Benson.
I want to overeat at lunch and feel food pregnant for an hour afterward.
I want my feet to burn a little on the hot pavement this summer.
I want to daydream about vacations in Florida.
I want to spend time around people who have substance, character, and wit.
I want my prayers to be bold and answered in a way I can understand.
I want to inhale. Exhale.