Sunday, February 26, 2012

How to know for sure that you're pregnant

Well, it's week 35, and I've decided that it's for sure...I'm definitely pregnant. In case you are wondering yourself if you could be pregnant, I've created the following exhibit comparing a week 9 photo to a week 35 photo and identified signs that indicate that, yes, this person is definitely pregnant.

Signs that you're definitely pregnant..exhibit 9 weeks v. 35 weeks

(A) Beginning with the hair follicles, you can see in this exhibit that somewhere around week 9 my hair showed signs of good decision-making. As the tan skin suggests, it was summertime and my hairdresser and I had formulated an attractive 'fun in the sun' blonde that helped me enhance my pregnancy glow. Unfortunately, my hairdresser got in a car accident, switched careers, and I went to a new gal this week. I told her that this might be the first and last time we see one another for awhile so the decision was made to do something that needed no maintenance...i.e. we found the darkest hue on my head and went there. Decision = questionable. This new dark blonde does nothing to help my powdery skin fake a glow. In fact, I kind of look sad and gothic.

(B) Bright eyes have transitioned into puffy, sleep deprived eyes. In week 9, I had a sort of freshly cucumbered, recently-visited-a-spa life about my eyes. In week 35, I have that dear-God-let-me-sleep look.

(C) Once I had a chin that lived above my neck. Now, I have a chin that lives in my neck.

(D) The chest being worn by the girl on the left couldn't feed a large gerbil. The 35-week chest is currently being investigated by Purina as an alternative in case the cows go on strike.

(E) True story: One time in 1999 my parents and I were at a Chinese restaurant and I was approached mid-fried-rice-swallow by a random woman who told me I could be a hair model because I had a pretty face but not a full-body model because my arms were too fat. I wonder what she would say now?

(F) Here's a definite sign that you're have a belly that sticks out as if a small human being was skydiving through it. In this particular exhibit, there is a 35-week-old young lady who is somewhere around 19-22 inches and 6 lbs.

(G) The trunk on the left had a normal amount of junk in it. The trunk on the right has so much junk that A&E TV has contacted me about filming an episode of Hoarders on my butt.

(H) My formerly normal hands have been replaced by a pair that are swollen, numb, and constantly falling asleep. I have Cabbage Patch Kids knuckles. I'm pretty sure I have carpal tunnel, I drop things a lot, and my thumbs feel like they might pop off.

So, if you are wondering if you are pregnant or not, take a photo of yourself as soon as you think you might be, and then wait about 26 weeks and see if any of the aforementioned symptoms develop. If they do, there's a good chance that you too could be pregnant.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Rebecca Blowfish

Missing: ANKLES.

I was JUST telling a coworker this past Tuesday that I had been fortunate enough to avoid a lot of foot and ankle swelling this pregnancy, and - lo and behold - I get home that eve, pry off my shoes, and my feet look like this:

Muppet feet
My legs have swallowed my ankles. I have cankles. My feet are poofy and you can leave a dent in them if you poke them with your finger. My toes look like lil smokies. And the swelling is here to's a few days past Tuesday and I have lost usability of most of my shoes in my closet.
In fact, it's not just swelling in the footal upper leg/knee region has puffed, my hands have exploded, and someone pointed out today that my face also looks swollen. Neat.

I am Rebecca Blowfish.

"Hoooold myyyy [enlarged and water-logged] haaaand"

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

AHAT = less than 6 weeks

Anticipated Hannah Arrival Time is less than 6 weeks (as of today, exactly 5 weeks and 4 days)! Hannah is approximately 19 to 22 inches and 5.5 lbs, equating to a large cantaloupe. If you look at the exhibit below, you will see some stomach hanging down. This cannot be prevented at this time.

34 weeks as a double-human

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Tanktops beware

Here's the belated 33 week photo. I have decided to stop trying to tug my tank top down to cover my belly and just let it rip.

33 weeks

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


It's been a week so I thought I'd do a quick update. I've been out of the blogging mood because of a bad family situation but I'm not going to write about it here now - maybe not here ever, I don't know.

I do have a weekly side pose photo but it's on my camera and the cable I need to download the pictures to my computer is downstairs and I have no desire at the moment to go down there and get it. Tomorrow.

We had our biweekly doctor's visit today. Here are a few updates on the pregnancy front:
  • My belly is measuring at 35 cm and I'm 33 weeks. The doctor described my belly as "robust" (this does not get a tally in the 'fat' comment tally because I thought it was a nice way of saying it). A rule of thumb is that you're supposed to measure the same number of weeks you are in centimeters, which technically means I'm measuring at someone who is 35 weeks. However, I couldn't convince my doctor to move up the due date...I gave it a good try. She said they typically consider the 3 weeks before and 2 weeks after the due date the 'range' for delivery, so there's no need to adjust my due date. I told her I'd probably go early and she didn't deny it, but obviously there is no way to predict this stuff. I'm on Hannah time (now and for the rest of my life, really).
  • Hannah is the size of a pineapple. That's 19 to 22 inches, approximately 4.9 lbs.
  • Pregnancy is not an attractive look, and I don't care. I have sausage toes, tiger clawed stretchmark stomach, a slight outie belly button, poofy fingers, nasal congestion that won't quit, and I have lost the ability to control certain physical and emotional functions. And that's OK.
6 weeks 3 days. That's all I have to say.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Cute little Jason dad

Hannah's dad is so sweet. I just got a text from him that included a picture of this book:
Book for Hannah from Jason
His text said, "Hannah gets a new book. I bought it. I thought she would like me to read to her."

I'm sorry, but that's the cutest thing I've experienced all day.

Then, because he's heroic, he also said he found a copy of "The Happiest Baby on the Block" film at the library that he's going to pick up tonight.

I totally married up.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Reverse turtle shell stomach

So I've been having these Braxton Hicks contractions over the past couple of months, but lately they have gotten a bit more frequent and a bit more intense. I like the fact that they are named after a male, John Braxton Hicks. If John actually had a clue what they felt like, I think he would have chosen a more colorful label for these bad boys. Here's what I would have suggested to ol' John if I had been around in 1872 to do so:
  • Reverse turtle shell stomach
  • Belly helmet
  • Superhero abs sans muscles
  • Candy coated baby cover
  • Instant armor gut
  • Preggo on the half shell
That would make a lot more sense.

You can't see the contractions from the outside, but if they were visible they would look like this in the stomach spot:
This dude is having a full body contraction

Monday, February 6, 2012

Honeydew + AHAT = 8 weeks

AHAT (anticipated Hannah arrival time) is less than 8 weeks from today (7 weeks 5 days to be exact)! We are 32 weeks 2 days into this gig. Hannah's room is coming along - pictures will be posted in the near-ish future. I am a giant these days due to the 19 inches and 4.5 lbs of honeydew-sized baby inside of me:
32 weeks
Honeydew, go:
I look like I shoved an enormous honeydew down my shirt. Come ooooonnnnn, Hannah!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Troubleshoot the baby

Jason and I often like to talk about how clueless we are when it comes to parenting. One of my favorite early conversations with Jason about our baby naivete was when we were talking about being parents and he said, "I'm just not sure what types of creams to use!"

Jason works in IT and is a pretty pragmatic, logical dude. During another good discussion recently, we were talking about how it's going to be hard to figure out what exactly Hannah needs or wants since her only early indication of needing or wanting anything will be crying, which all pretty much sounds the same. Jason had a simple solution to this.

"We'll just troubleshoot the baby."

Say what?

I guess what he meant was that, just like in his industry, we'll try out an idea or several until something works. Or, as he says often, we can "check the Googles" for an answer. I like how easy this seems. Like Hannah has a little helpdesk somewhere that we can dial for assistance. Ah, that would be nice.