How to know for sure that you're pregnant

Well, it's week 35, and I've decided that it's for sure...I'm definitely pregnant. In case you are wondering yourself if you could be pregnant, I've created the following exhibit comparing a week 9 photo to a week 35 photo and identified signs that indicate that, yes, this person is definitely pregnant.

Signs that you're definitely pregnant..exhibit 9 weeks v. 35 weeks

(A) Beginning with the hair follicles, you can see in this exhibit that somewhere around week 9 my hair showed signs of good decision-making. As the tan skin suggests, it was summertime and my hairdresser and I had formulated an attractive 'fun in the sun' blonde that helped me enhance my pregnancy glow. Unfortunately, my hairdresser got in a car accident, switched careers, and I went to a new gal this week. I told her that this might be the first and last time we see one another for awhile so the decision was made to do something that needed no maintenance...i.e. we found the darkest hue on my head and went there. Decision = questionable. This new dark blonde does nothing to help my powdery skin fake a glow. In fact, I kind of look sad and gothic.

(B) Bright eyes have transitioned into puffy, sleep deprived eyes. In week 9, I had a sort of freshly cucumbered, recently-visited-a-spa life about my eyes. In week 35, I have that dear-God-let-me-sleep look.

(C) Once I had a chin that lived above my neck. Now, I have a chin that lives in my neck.

(D) The chest being worn by the girl on the left couldn't feed a large gerbil. The 35-week chest is currently being investigated by Purina as an alternative in case the cows go on strike.

(E) True story: One time in 1999 my parents and I were at a Chinese restaurant and I was approached mid-fried-rice-swallow by a random woman who told me I could be a hair model because I had a pretty face but not a full-body model because my arms were too fat. I wonder what she would say now?

(F) Here's a definite sign that you're pregnant...you have a belly that sticks out as if a small human being was skydiving through it. In this particular exhibit, there is a 35-week-old young lady who is somewhere around 19-22 inches and 6 lbs.

(G) The trunk on the left had a normal amount of junk in it. The trunk on the right has so much junk that A&E TV has contacted me about filming an episode of Hoarders on my butt.

(H) My formerly normal hands have been replaced by a pair that are swollen, numb, and constantly falling asleep. I have Cabbage Patch Kids knuckles. I'm pretty sure I have carpal tunnel, I drop things a lot, and my thumbs feel like they might pop off.

So, if you are wondering if you are pregnant or not, take a photo of yourself as soon as you think you might be, and then wait about 26 weeks and see if any of the aforementioned symptoms develop. If they do, there's a good chance that you too could be pregnant.