Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I'm guilty.

Where does your peace reside?

Is it in an approval? An accomplishment?

Is it caught between a single choice you made a long time ago and a regret you still have now?

In a relationship? In your spouse? In your child?

It's your peace. It's nobody else's. Therefore, it's nobody else's responsibility. And, to be honest, it's nobody else's priority. But it should be yours.

I think it's a damn shame that we let our peace hang in the hands of someone else. Or something else.
"I would be happier if..."
"I wouldn't have any worries if..."
"I could sleep better at night if..."

If what? If someone or something would give you peace? If your situation changed? What if it doesn't? And then you stop breathing. And then you finally figure it out...

I could have had peace the WHOLE time.

It's hard to have peace when you live in fear. So figure out the worst that can happen and accept the fact that you'll live through it. Because you will. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

It's hard to have peace when you surround yourself with toxicity. So take a good hard look at what people and things are poisoning you and eliminate them. You won't just be able to live without them, you'll flourish.

It's hard to have peace when you feel guilty. So the next time you hear your inner dialogue tell you that you failed someone or something, tell it to shut its ugly mouth. You acknowledged your humanity, now forgive yourself regardless of whether or not someone else forgives you.

I find myself living with guilt sometimes. I push myself to complete a task. Perfectly. I want to lose my baby weight and get back to my pre-pregnancy shape. Now. I want to make people happy. Every time. I don't want to screw my baby up. I don't want to fail.

I am setting myself up for disaster. You know why? Because I won't complete tasks perfectly, I just quit Weight Watchers, people can't be pleased, babies grow up to be adults who have the lifelong job of finding their own peace, and I am definitely going to fail.

So here's my real job:
Be OK with that. Identify guilt, and alleviate it as fast as possible. Forgive myself for being human. Trust in my ability to be responsible for my own peace. Stop tracking Weight Watchers points when I just don't have the energy. Stop tracking how many miles I run in a week. Let people get mad and struggle with their own inability to forgive me. Fail. And pray to God for peace. Because it's my responsibility and nobody else's.

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