Sunday, June 8, 2014

Do not despise these small beginnings

I have a condition called "perfectionistic paralysis." It means that I have trouble doing certain things unless I think I can do them perfectly. The condition is particularly prevalent when it comes to things in which I am emotionally invested.

I used to paint a lot when I was growing up. I haven't really painted in awhile.

I have written a lot of poems and songs that have never seen another human's eyes or ears. I finally picked up a guitar the other day for the first time in over 2 years.

My head is filled with "shoulds." I should just do these things anyway. I should be better at them than I am. I should be invested. I should carve out the time to do them. I should want to be passionate. I should feel differently about it.

I've tried. I don't yet. I am in the process of changing my mind, and it is hard. I have to come to terms with the fact that I may not be perfect at these passions in order to alleviate my paralysis. I have to take simple steps and accept my own resistance in order to surrender.

Zechariah 4:10 says, "Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin..."

Can just beginning be good enough for me? Is perfectionism really anything more than preoccupation with the end of something? The final product?

This is my confession and commitment to try to accept each day for what it is and realize what it's not. It's not the end. It's always the beginning, and it may feel small, and that's OK.

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