Monday, June 9, 2014

Out of retirement and onto the green.

It was kinda like this.
Maybe this what Brett Favre feels like every time he signs another football contract. Or perhaps what Jay-Z felt like when he released his Last One, Guys - I Swear album. Either way, coming out of retirement is not only trendy, but necessary to remain relevant, so that's what today is all about.

I'm breaking out my clubs, and ending my golf retirement. Whoa.

The last time I golfed was a special time. I was pregnant with Hannah, and I was really freaking hungry. A group of us had gone to play a round at the local par 3. I couldn't have cared less about how I was performing - it had been a long day and mama was ready for a burrito.

We approached the 18th hole and I muttered something about - this better be fast. And it was. It was as fast as a hole could go.

I hit the ball - very poorly, I might add - and it shot down and diagonally across the green. It hit the edge of a bunker. It rolled up and a little northeastern toward the hole. I hear Jason say, "Holy crap, that's gonna be close!"

No, no, no, sir. Not close. IN.


I threw my club in the air and everyone jumped and yelled. Someone hi-fived me. I think it may have been Jesus because this was a freaking miracle.

We yelled and screamed and I hurried up into the clubhouse because I was seriously starving by now. They took my picture for their "hole in one" wall. Some sucker at the bar made a comment about how I am supposed to buy everyone a round (look, dude, if mama can't drink, ain't nobody drinking). Then I went to Chevy's Fresh Mexican and had myself a burrito. Dang good!

So, that was well over two years ago, and I have been busy managing my procreation and haven't hit the greens since. But, today, my dear sister-in-law invited me to participate in a fundraising golf tournament, and I obliged. Since the last time I played I have put on 30 lbs, made a human, and herniated a disc in my spine, so here's hoping this is mostly painless. I'm not shooting for any holes-in-one, but in the rare case it does happen, I will head out for another celebratory burrito and definitely hang up the clubs for good. It doesn't get much better than that.

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