The healthy girl inside of me is starting to fight back.

I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago for a routine checkup. Started the visit by stepping on the scale. OUCH. About 30 pounds heavier than I want to be. Then, since it was a new doctor, they wanted to measure my height. OUCH. I am an inch shorter than I used to be. Apparently gravity hates me.

These two jabs caused pain, but not nearly as much as what happened next.

I watched the nurse calculate my BMI and put it at the top of my clean, new chart. Holy...

I knew I was out of shape, but I had no idea that I was - by undeniable medical standards - unhealthy. I carry a weight that is not even close to healthy for my age and height. It's one thing to feel bad about how you look in a pair of jeans. It's another thing to know that you are just flat out unhealthy because of your weight. I felt ashamed.

And you know what happened next? I felt so ashamed that for the next couple of weeks I did exactly what got me unhealthy in the first place. I felt like a victim of my own poor decision making. I made excuses...I "just" had a baby (16 months ago). I am stressed and when I am stressed I eat and drink because "that's just what I do." I am busy (just like everyone else).

Here's the truth. I'm better than that, and it's time I started believing that. I am the only reason I am unhealthy. Not pregnancy. Not stress. Not time. Me. Me and only me. I put the food in my mouth. I drink the drinks. I skip exercise opportunities to give myself a "break."

And yet, I also complain about my poor physical state as if I didn't know how I got to this point.

Here's the good news: I know exactly what I am doing to be unhealthy, and I know exactly what I need to do to get healthy. I will NOT complain about my weight or health anymore as if I am a victim of some mysterious punishment. I am only enabling myself to be unhealthy when I feel sorry for myself. I am better than that. Some people who are important to me are counting on me to take care of myself. If I don't make time and effort to take care of myself, who will? There is no magic solution. It's really simple. Eat well and exercise. That's all there is to it. And if I am being honest with myself, I know I am not hitting the mark there.

I am making a commitment now. I am mad at how I have been living and I am reclaiming my health.

Here is the first Facebook profile picture I have ever had:



Yes, that's my face on Shania Twain's body. I actually posted it for the Grammy factor since I was really into my band then. But, now I post it for a different reason. Perhaps my waist has never been and may never be that skinny, but when I posted this picture I was healthy. I maintained a weight that made me feel good about myself.

I am having a health intervention with myself. If I were Jeff VanVonderen from the show Intervention, here's what I would be telling me:

"Mutherford, you gotta healthy person inside you who loves you like crazy but feels like she's losing you. She is fighting to get you back and wants to invite you to join the fight."

You know what? Challenge accepted.

Has it really been a month since I've posted?

It's true what they say about moms - we are busy people!
I can't believe I've been absent from posting for a month. Shameful!

Here are some quick things that have gone through my noggin over the past month:

• Hannah is still freaking incredible. And just when I'm not sure she can get any cuter, she does. She's cuter today than she was yesterday. And more yesterday than the day before. It makes me excited for tomorrow.
• As I sit here Hannah is sitting in her crib, settling in for the night. She is playing with her purple talking stuffed toy puppy Violet. At this moment, Hannah has no idea that I know exactly what she's doing right now. She is sitting in the dark, whispering gibberish to a stuffed puppy that is playing chimes from its belly. She is content, safe. I am practically crying I'm so in love with her. I think this is how God feels.
• The Missouri Botanical Gardens is amazing not only because the landscaping is breathtaking but because they also have a child area where people like Hannah can wander around, build, play, explore, eat wood chips, get wet, etc. and people like me and my husband and Neal and Emily can watch.
• You can't change people. Only how you react to them.
• I need to start the morning with a 15 minute meditation if I expect to enjoy mornings.
• Even though I have anxiety, I also have wine. And that helps sometimes.
• People can really misunderstand me sometimes.
• I am the only thing that is preventing me from losing weight, and I just haven't made the decision to get out of my own way yet.
• My husband deserves a lot of happiness and I think that it is great that he agrees. I think more people should live like he does.
• God always gives me the strength I need when I don't think I can find it for myself.

That is it for now. Hopefully I'll be back again soon.