Chaos will ensue, and
sometimes it will be funny. Sometimes
there is nothing better than making an enormous mess. I have recently spent many moments in public restrooms trying to clean up a code 5 diaper
while Hannah has been stripped nude and proceeds to pee all over the changing
table. That scene has taken place no less than three times this month. I panic,
sweat, and laugh all at once. I let her flail her arms around in the bathtub
and splatter water all over me and the room because it looks like an insane
amount of fun and I kind of wish it were just as cute for me to do the same
thing in the rain.
It's
party time.
|
Chaos will ensue, and
sometimes it will NOT be funny.
Sometimes it will make me want to curl up in the fetal position and crawl up in
my own womb (eew). Sometimes it will make me want to pass by my exit on the
highway and keep heading west until I hit the Pacific. Sometimes it will make
me cry like the baby that is crying in my arms. And sometimes we're just going
to have to cry together to get through it. Hannah is on
a mission to chew on wires, open off-limits doors and drawers, and bother
Benson and thinks it's absolutely hilarious when I say "no." I will have anxiety. I will fear those who depend
upon me. I will second guess myself. I will panic upon their injury. I will
worry that Hannah is overfed/underfed, too hot/cold, too wild/bored, and so on.
I will question how I'm doing and wonder why I am doing it at all. I will
realize there is no one right way to do it, and the only wrong way to do it is
to do it selfishly. My life is no longer about me alone. Sometimes I am going to hate the responsibility. But
I will always love the one for which I'm responsible. Since Hannah has been in our lives, I have grieved the loss of my
former life because it looked like a vacation compared to this. I haven't slept
all the way through the night in over a year and I have an immediate loss of
blood to my head anytime I hear something that sounds like a crying baby. I got
used to it. Parenthood is a trial. I
will conquer it. I will learn that our life is meant to be a Richter scale of
madness because without the highs there would be no lows and without the dark
we would never learn to love the light. My emotional muscles will be pushed and
stressed until I'm as strong as I need to be to lift any weight placed on my
shoulders. Adrenaline will spike. Time will work for me as long as I am
dedicated to the magnificent cause. I will discover
a new kind of love. A unique feeling I have never felt before. I
will take an enormous drink from this cup of insanity and close my eyes,
praying that I never forget how bitterly it begins and how sweetly it ends.
