Friday, March 30, 2012

The Muther Awards

Muther Award

'Tis due date eve, and I'm still impregnated, so I've decided to celebrate this occasion by issuing the Muther Awards: my picks for some of the top highlights of pregnancy.

Most Humbling Milestone
A couple of months ago I would have said that I was most humbled by having to get help from Jason to put on my shoes. That would have also been a most hysterical moment too, because the struggle to get shoes on my feet always resulted in both of us sweating and crying from laughing so hard. Or me just crying from frustration and throwing my shoes. But, recently, I think the most humbling moment came when I went to put on my maternity clothes and I had outgrown them. All of them, seemingly at once. I have resorted to wearing a few select pairs of pajama pants and Jason's t-shirts, which are also rather snug in the belly region. And which are now stained from my inability to get food into my mouth (see recent post about Mutherford needing a bib).

Biggest Meltdown Blamed on Hormones
I had to interview Jason for this one, because he keeps referring to a specific incident (he calls it the "golf incident") that perhaps I was hormonally blinded for because I just don't recall it...but the story goes like this: Apparently at some point early in the pregnancy Jason went golfing and then out to Buffalo Wild Wings for some adult beverages and man-junk-scratching time, and although I was OK with his man-date when he left I was NOT happy about it when he came home. He recalls a highly disgruntled, Mr. Hyde wife, eyes red and yelling at him for leaving me to sit home all pregnant and incapable of drinking booze. How dare he have fun without me?!?!?!?! I may have been having alcohol withdrawals, or I may have been intoxicated by hormones. Either way, I must have blacked out and blocked it from memory because I have no recollection of said meltdown, but he remembers it vividly. And he's still scared of me.

Funniest Baby Brain Moment
The award here goes to the time I ran a load of wash without putting in clothes. That's downright ditsy. But a close honorable mention goes to the time I pointed my car key at the work elevator and pressed the unlock button thinking that might open the doors.

Best Worst Unsolicited Pregnancy Comment
The clear winner in this category has to be the comment made by my male coworker who spotted me when coming off the elevator at work and shouted "Here comes the fat lady!" That gets a flick in the forehead.

Most Random Pregnancy Symptom
It's a toss-up between all of the neat third trimester surprises. Let's see - there's the exorbitant edema (swelling) that has left me and my pork chop feet in flip-flop-only mode. There's the unexpected carpal tunnel hands that have been a real treat when I try to, you know, hold things and not drop them. There's the arms falling asleep. The white dots that have appeared all over my skin. The constant sensation that I have to pee. The dark patches that grace my armpits and parts of my face. But honestly, I think the clear winner for me here has to be the permanent congestion (a.k.a. rhinitis of pregnancy) that has given me breathing hell since somewhere around January. At night when Jason and I retire to bed, I'm a vision in Breathe Right Strips. I think Jason probably finds my snoring attractive and a great alternative to counting sheep.

Favorite Craving
Oh, have I enjoyed the sweets. Before pregnancy, I wasn't much of a baker or even a huge consumer of the sweets. But, I developed a really unique pregnancy past time of buying one baked good to work on each week and baking/consuming it while watching Biggest Loser, of all shows. Nothing like nestling on the couch with a cupcake while watching enormous people do the exact opposite on TV.

Scariest Moment
I was pretty frightened when I passed out at the DMV several months ago, but I think that was even overshadowed by the night I was jolted from mid-sleep by the world's worst charley horse in my leg. I literally woke up screaming, and I think it freaked Jason out so much he may have given birth to something that night.

Best Realization
Life, as I know it, is different. Things have already changed. I have already sacrificed for my baby girl and I'm OK with that. I no longer take my body for granted. I see my husband as a father too now. I already have a greater appreciation for parents and the choices they are faced with and the worry they endure. I have more fun shopping for baby stuff than myself. I never want to be out of shape because it's exhausting. I don't have to drink (although sometimes I still will). Sometimes you plan life and sometimes life plans you, so it's important to be flexible and open to reshifting priorities. Nothing is more important than the people you love. And nothing is funnier than laughing at your big fat pregnant walrus butt with them.

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