I'm sorry I've been absent for so long. It's not that I don't care about you or want you in my life. In fact, I could have used a nice big chalice filled with you a lot lately. I still want to be friends with you, but I need you to understand that while you're usually very good to me, you are bad for fetal people, and therefore I have to abstain from you. We've had a lot of good times together, you and I. We've danced recklessly at weddings and office holiday parties, done homework together until my essays began sounding like nutrition labels, carried inflatable men named Chachki through wineries, and dazzled many ears while singing mantras to fast food restaurants on stage together. You've always been there for me when I needed you, and even when I haven't. Please plan to have a glass of yourself waiting for me sometime around April 2012.
Your friend forever,