Sunday, June 17, 2012

Back in hell

I don't understand what is happening to me. We are all taking guesses around here - perhaps a hormone fluctuation, perhaps the medicine stopped working as well...nobody knows. The past few days have been a nightmare. I have hit a new level of fatigue, body aches, and the burning returned. I wish there was a way to describe it that would do it justice. It's like that feeling you get when you hit your funny bone, only for me it resonates from the top of my head through my entire back and down my arms - all day long without anything that relieves it. I am a prisoner in my skin. I met with my psychiatrist on Tuesday, we upped my meds, but through the week it has just gotten worse. I've called his office several times each day begging for help (the secretary says "Hi Rebecca" when she answers the phone now). We changed my 'band-aid' medicine because the one I was on before that had saved my life last time isn't effective this time for an unknown reason. The new band-aid medicine didn't do squat so now we're trying the old one again today. We added abilify to my meds yesterday but that made me feel out of body so he told me to stop taking that today. It's hard to take pills because I am having trouble eating but I don't want to take them on an empty stomach because that often makes me nauseous. My body has physical pain so I went to my primary doctor's office and they did a urinalysis and ruled out a UTI, did a chest x-ray since my chest/back hurt and I'm short of breath (which I attribute to anxiety so I don't expect anything there), drew blood to analyze, and I am supposed to go back tomorrow morning for an ultrasound to check my gall bladder...the doctor said gall disease can be common after giving birth so he wants to check for that. If I don't feel better today my psychiatrist wants to put me back in the psych ward for monitoring while he changes my medicine. I am scared to start over with a new medicine and I am scared to go back in the facility. It feels like prison and that can do a number on an anxious person. I am so much more comfortable at my own home...I wish he would just move in with me until this is fixed. I also wish someone could really pinpoint the actual problem and why it returned if the medicine I was on that fixed it the first time a month ago hasn't changed at all. I think I need hormone therapy of some sort but nobody will touch that. I realize every postpartum woman's experience is unique but I struggle to believe that there isn't a way to better pinpoint what a woman is suffering from and treat it specifically. I feel like we're continuously throwing ice cubes at a fire in hopes that one of them or enough of them will stifle the flame. Jason looked into a perinatal psychiatric women's center in North Carolina yesterday. We talked about going there because they are the country's only specialized mental health center for postpartum women. They are a 5-bed unit and allow your baby to be with you all day (just not at night). I am not sure what that would cost but when you're desperate you're desperate. Jason spoke with nurses and doctors from there and basically we would need to wait until Monday to discuss admissions because that office is closed over the weekend. If I'm admitted there, my family could stay at a nearby hotel for a low rate and the hospital has shuttles that would take them to and from the facility. We'll see if we even end up doing anything about that. I desperately wish they had something like this in St. Louis. I spoke with Linda from Mother to Mother and she said there was such a facility in St. Louis some years ago but for whatever reason it dissolved.

I've been trying my hardest to push through this. It's a constant battle. I often don't feel like doing anything but watching the clock hit 10 pm so I can take my ambien, pray to God that I'll wake up feeling better the next day, and pass out. Mostly against my will my family has taken me out places. I even went to a wedding two nights ago that under normal conditions I know I really, really wanted to go to. It's hard to speak to people right now. It's hard to get dressed or get out of bed. I miss my baby insanely. She has been staying with my mom and we've been visiting her. She stayed with us last night, which was really nice.

I'm incredibly anxious about my recovery. It is discouraging to have a relapse like this. I am scared I will never feel better and return to normal. I look at forthcoming appointments and get very nervous...I have things I am supposed to do this week that I don't know if I can. I am supposed to go back to work next Tuesday, and Hannah is supposed to start her daycare that day too. I'm not sure what will happen there. Jason tells me not to worry about it, but naturally I do. This is my life and I want it back.

I pray boldly to God that I receive His healing NOW. And then I sob. And sometimes I scream. Occasionally I break stuff but nothing irreplaceable (sunglasses, etc.). Help me, God. I've been pushed to my knees. Please save me.

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