Friday, June 22, 2012

Take two of these and, dear God, please stop calling me

Well, the results are in from my psychiatrist and primary doctor visits. Here's what we've found:

Goose Egg
After an array of blood tests, X-rays, urinalysis, ultrasounds, lengthy question/answer sessions, a bucketful of medication changes, and a Harvard tuition payment worth of copayments and post-insurance bills, the doctors cannot find anything physically wrong with me.

Good news, right? Meh.

Naturally, I am grateful to be in sound physical shape. However, that leaves no solid explanation or quick remedy for the physical symptoms that I have when I am "in hell" during the hormone/serotonin crashes. All of my doctors (and I've seen six of them in the past three months, as well as consulted with several additional doctors/nurses/experts on the phone) are reaching the same conclusion on this: I drew the postpartum short straw. My hormones are still in the process of leveling out, and when they fluctuate my neurotransmitters go on a wild ride which causes me to feel uncontrollably depressed/anxious/on death's doorstep, burning sensations throughout my body, dehydration, fatigue, constant headaches, loss of appetite, tingling in my arms, and an overall sensation of despair. Why can't they draw a tangible conclusion beyond just this educated guess? Because serotonin can't be drawn through blood or any other measure. The only way to acquire my serotonin levels would be via brain biopsy. Um, no thanks.

So what do I do now? I go on with life and pray daily that I don't have another hormone dive. I tick like a timebomb and hope that the fuse stifles before it reaches the gun powder.

It's frustrating, disappointing, frightening...and I will NOT let it win.

These terrible feelings cause me to have very ugly thoughts, and I have to train myself to firmly believe they are just feelings that will pass because I've been through it twice now - once lasting 3 weeks and the next time lasting 5 days. It will pass. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me (my favorite verse - Philippians 4:13).

I am mentally strong and happy. I have been blessed beyond words. This trial can't take that away. Good always prevails.

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