Patience in pain

insult added to my injury in the form of a cold virus that decided to join the pain party in my body

exhausted but can't sleep without Ambien

I pray my family stays strong
we share this disease
ALL of us - even you, reader of this who has babies or wants to have babies or is close with someone who wants to have babies - we are exposed

and yet, most will never know

So many who experience it are quiet because it's a shameful thing to admit that you need help.
So many who hear about it don't believe in it, as if it were a fictional character.

I pray for medicine that works and doctors that make wise choices out of compassion and with the genuine best interest for their patients in mind. I beg for healing without medicine.

 I am in awe of God's magnificent, complex designs. The intertwining web of synapses and chemical-carrying roadways that cluster up our brains. Our functionality is at the stake of snowflakes packed together tough and fragile. Any piece can break off or melt. And then what do we do? Hope a new piece grows in it's place? Force a new piece in? What if it doesn't fit? When will we know?

My hope is that I can learn to be patient in pain.

All we ever want is coziness, isn't it? Comfort. Peace with decisions and people to hold us. That was my pregnancy vision. I have some beautiful people to hold. I am dreaming of the coziness that I will get when my brain and body are officially back in good working order and I can live without the fear that at any minute and without warning the heat will return and the snow will melt again.